emily bernstein.

emily_bernstein @ 2004-08-01T15:18:00

2004-08-01T19:17:58Z

It's hard to compete with Mary Anne Spier. She's the perfect girl, really--pretty, sweet, caring. I'm just me... pushy, awkward. Sometimes I feel like Pete would rather be back with Mary Anne.

Who wouldn't?

it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

2004-06-06T18:52:42Z

dear holy father, It's far too long since my last confession...

As is typical of me, I haven't written since (gasp) Passover. A lot has happened since then. A hell of a lot has happened since then.

Let's review:

1)Working on the documentary with Pete was fun. So fun, in fact, that I managed to develop a huge crush on Pete. Luckily...

2)He also had had a good time and asked me to prom.

3)It was awkward at first. We appeared to have lost our easy camaraderie. But as the evening wore on, we both relaxed and

4)We hooked up. It was very nice. So now

5)Pete is my boyfriend. Which is quite lovely, especially since i haven't had one all year. That's not the best news though.

6)I am valedvictorian. Pete is sal, which is far too adorable. But

7)I HAVE LESS THAN A WEEK TO WRITE MY SPEECH!!

i sound my barbaric yawp

2004-03-31T00:32:27Z

Sarah is so lucky. She gets to be gallavanting in Paris while Dave and I have to deal with all the shit going on with our parents and I have to deal with Dave's shit. While all this drama is going down, she's speaking French and sitting in cafes.

All I have to say is, she'd better bring me back something nice.

At least she'll be back in a little more than a month. Then I'll have someone in my family to talk to who isn't stoned.

Le sigh.

We are going to Dad's parents for Passover. It will be the first I'll have seen him since he moved out. I'm nervous. I don't know how I feel about my father anymore, which is very odd. Will Lisa--his girlfriend (Jesus, how strange)--be there too?

I have no idea.

emily_bernstein @ 2004-03-20T20:16:00

2004-03-21T01:16:52Z

I wonder what will happen with Passover this year. I'm not Jewish myself--wrong parent--but we always went to a sader at my grandparents' house. Now that my parents are separated, I don't know what we're going to do about it. Will Dave and I go with Dad, or will we stay at home and watch TV?

from the morning when I rise from my bed till the evening when I lay my head in slumber

2004-03-18T02:37:27Z

Well, I've picked up yet another activity to distract me from reality: I'm going to assist Pete with his new documentary. It should be fun, and it'll be nice to do something with that purpose in mind. I don't know what's going on with him and Mary Anne, though--everyone knows what happened between them at the pageant, and I'm more his friend than Mary Anne's and guys don't really talk about that kind of thing. Oh well.

I got Mallory's first column and her Cam interview today, and I've emailed Claud about restarting Claudia's Personals. Our circulation is going to hit the roof, I'm telling you.

I haven't seen my father in over a week. I haven't seen my mother outside of her bedroom in two.

i built my house with barley rice

2004-03-15T01:40:34Z

Maybe Dave is right. Maybe I do take myself too seriously.

Take the school newspaper, for example. When I became editor of the Express in eighth grade, I pictured myself subverting the system through the paper. Really making a difference in the school. Changing the way people view things. Winning awards for journalism.

The only thing people remember about the Express is Claudia's Personals. Which, by the way, I wouldn't mind bringing back, since it was very very good for circulation.

I figured, hey, maybe middle school's not time for seriousness. So I decided to wait until I became editor of the Beacon to really make my mark.

Didn't work out. Any attempts at journalistic integrity have been voted down by staff.

For instance, Mallory's column. I didn't want a gossip column in the paper. Everyone else did. Nobody in the school cares about the budget cuts. Nobody cares about genetically-modified food in the cafeteria. They just want the dirt.

Oh well. Maybe Yale Daily News will be different. But somehow, I doubt it.

all the people are laughing and they're having such fun

2004-03-06T08:07:01Z

I can't sleep; there's just too much happening and all of it too fast.

I just need to calm down, and read my old favorites. They're like a big old bowl of oatmeal. Comfort food.

But aughh I have NO IDEA what is happening in my own life. My brother doesn't seem to care at all, and I've tried talking to him but he just brushes me off.

Then again, he's part of the problem.

Mallory Pike came to the Beacon office today. She has this idea for an anonymous spy column thing...it kind of reminds me of Harriet M. Welsch's sixth grade page. It's a pretty cute idea. I asked her to write a column so I could bring it to our meeting on Wednesday and we can decide if we want the column or not. I guess that since we're not going to win any Pulitzer Prizes anyway, it's okay to have some things that lean a little to the tabloidy side. Mallory can be our official sleaze go-to girl.

*takes ideas of journalistic integrity and flushes them down the toilet like a narc'd stash*

hello darkness my old friend

2004-03-04T19:47:47Z

Sometimes...a lot of the time...I feel on the outside of things. I've always been friendly with everyone, but I've never been terribly close to anyone. Like, I get along with all the girls in the Baby-sitters Club, but I was never a baby-sitter. I was never granted access to the Inner Sanctum. I'm not the first anyone would call in an emergency, unless that emergency was an editorial they wanted printed in the SHS newspaper.

It would be stupid to be on the lookout for a best friend now. I mean, I GRADUATE in June. I'm (finally) leaving Stoneybrook for the sunny shores (?) of New Haven, where I will (hopefully) find good friends anyway. But still. I can't help wishing that I had someone to talk to, as corny as it sounds, about everything that is going. And not a therapist or anything like that. Just someone who was prepared to listen.

Anyway. Enough emoting. I have an English paper to write and a Calc test to study for and a Bio lab to write up. I've just got home from school and already I'm worried that I'll never finish everything in time.

never saw the morning till i stayed up all night

2004-03-01T20:32:43Z

I need to get the hell out of this house.

Everytime I see my mother, I feel like I have to tell her. Something tells me, however, that she already knows everything, probably to a greater extent than I do.

Dad's on a "business trip."

Dave's not doing anything except a lot of a weed, as per usual.

Sarah is in France.

My mother still makes us have a family dinner every night. We sit in silence and listen to NPR. No one says anything and we speed through, practically choking on the food.

I don't know how I'm going to survive spring break.

I need something to get me out of the house.

you can take the road that takes you to the stars now

2004-02-28T04:12:59Z

Well, I suppose that since this is a private journal, I really should be utilizing it more often. I've never really kept a journal before, and lord knows I need it.

So. Let's just come right out and say it. I'm pretty sure my dad is having an affair. I came downstairs--quietly--the other night at like, 2 am. My mother was sound asleep. I heard my father on his cellphone in the den, talking to someone. He said "I love you." I'm pretty damn sure he wasn't talking to my grandma.

I don't know what to think about this. I know that he hasn't been around much, and my parents have never had the picture-perfect relationship. You look through our family albums, and they're together and smiling, sure--but the only thousand words those photos say are lies. There's always been tension and fights and plates smashing and god knows what went on behind closed doors.

This might not even be the first affair--if he is having one--he's had. He's just be home even less lately so I'm supposing it's the first, but you never know.

On a lighter note, Dave is now home because he flunked out of college. Neither of my parents are home during today, so he just spends all his time watching tv and smoking pot. This has only caused my parents to fight more. Mom says he should get a job, Dad says he should try to bribe the dean of Hampshire to let him rematriculate.

Anyway. I have an article to write.

Even if it is Friday night.

the happy birthday song

2004-02-01T19:24:48Z

Did you know that if you want to sing "Happy Birthday" in a movie or tv show, you have pay a couple of million dollars or something crazy like that?

Anyway, as one might have guessed, this entry is about the fact that my...birthday is in less than two weeks. I will be eighteen, which means that I will finally be able to buy porn and cigarettes and attend strip clubs without being turned down due to the date on my id.

Let the partying commence?

Anyway, my mother is all, let's have a big party, let's invite all our (annoying) relatives. Sigh. Last thing I want. I just want to go out with my friends, if I do anything at all.

But really I'd prefer to forget. Especially this year. Dave is in trouble again (I think), and my dad is hardly ever home. I have no idea what is going on in either of those situations.

Hell, I don't even know who my friends are anymore. For instance, Trevor (whom I've been friends with forever and works on the lit mag with me) asked Shawna Riverson to the Valentine's Day Masquerade. Shawna Riverson. Is he on crack?

If he keeps up with Shawna, he probably will be.

emily_bernstein @ 2004-01-27T14:42:00

2004-01-27T19:56:14Z

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Emily Jane Bernstein
-- Birthplace: Stoneybrook, CT
-- Current Location: Stoneybrook, CT
-- Eye Color: Blue
-- Hair Color: Brown
-- Height: 5'4"
-- Right or Lefty: Righty

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Czech, Dutch, Jewish
-- The shoes you wore today: doc marten mary janes.
-- Your perfect pizza: Cheese.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: either reporter for the New York Times of publication of my first (of hopefully many!) books.

LAYER THREE:
-- Your thoughts first waking up: everything that needs to be accomplished that day
-- Your best physical feature: my eyes, I guess.
-- Your bedtime: Whenever I finish what I thought about when I woke up. Usually 2am
-- Your most missed memory: Back when I was little and there was no real pressure, and Dave and I were best friends.

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Coke, but does it really matter?
-- McDonald's or Burger King: I don't really care; whichever's closest.
-- Single or group dates: Single dates... dates are pressure enough without extra people to scrutinize you
-- Adidas or Nike: adidas, i guess, but i like pumas best
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: nestea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: once in a while, but it's not really something i make a habit of doing.
-- Cuss: yes
-- Sing: Only in the shower.
-- Shower everyday: yes. showering is very relaxing.
-- Have a crush(es): not at the moment, unfortunately
-- Do you think you want to go to college: yes, I'm going to brown.
-- Like(d) high school: some parts of it, i guess
-- Want to get married: yes
-- Believe in yourself:only sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: only seasick
-- Think you're attractive: not usually
-- Think you're a health freak: i try, but i always seem to fail
-- Get along with your parent(s): I used to think so, but I'm not so sure anymore
-- Like thunderstorms: yes, they make me think of poetry
-- Play an instrument: i took piano for ten years, but i'm a bit rusty

LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: no
-- Smoked: once, in a diner while my brother was home from school
-- Done a drug: no
-- Had Sex: no
-- Made Out: no
-- Gone on a date: no--god i'm pathetic
-- Gone to the mall?: yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no, i don't really like oreos all that much
-- Eaten sushi: no
-- Been on stage: no
-- Been dumped: no
-- Made homemade cookies: no
-- Gone skinny dipping: no
-- Dyed your hair: no
-- Stolen anything: no

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
-- Been caught "doing something": no
-- Been called a tease: i get that a lot, strangely enough.
-- Gotten beaten up: no
-- Shoplifted: no
-- Changed who you were to fit in: subconsciously, most likely.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 34?
-- Numbers and Names of Children: i don't know, however many occur i guess
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: small, intimate, romantic
-- How do you want to die: without pain
-- Where do you want to go to college: yale
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: writer
-- What country would you most like to visit: the czech republic

LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color: Blue
-- Best hair color: Brown
-- Short or long hair: Short
-- Height: taller than me
-- Best weight: thin, i guess.

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: none
-- Number of CDs that I own: a lot
-- Number of piercings: One in each ear.
-- Number of tattoos: None
-- Number of times: .....
-- Number of scars on my body: plenty, all from when i was a kid
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: not working up to my full potential

you can't avoid her; she's in the air

2004-01-26T14:00:28Z

I love getting new journals and making that first entry. Even if the journal happens to be electronic and therefore you don't get the satisfaction fo scratching the pen across the crisp new pages.

I'm feeling a bit stressed, I suppose, even though I have a study period right now and I have all my work finished and I'm into college already so I shouldn't even be thinking about work right now.

I can't help it. I really really want to be valedvictorian. It's ridiculous to be so egotistical. Not to mention unattractive. But still. I was middle school val and then my cousin Janie was val for her school last year and my dad was val and well. I want to achieve.

Is that wrong of me--to need to have to have my intelligence/self-worth be validated?